Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
