just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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