What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
