I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
