My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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