As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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