Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
