Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
