Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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