did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
