My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
