youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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