dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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