I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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