One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
