I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
