the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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