he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
