My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
