First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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