I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
