There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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