Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
