i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
