Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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