Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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