They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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