Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think a kid would responsible me up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
