is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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