Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
