There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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