girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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