Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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