how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
