I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Randomize
