I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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