My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
