even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
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I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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