Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
