I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
