I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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