listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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