I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
