I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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