if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
