Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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