You smell like stripper and shame
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
