i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Someone signed my nipple.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
