I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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