I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
