I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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