i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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