We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
